*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
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If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit