Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
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*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.