*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
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As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”