why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
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Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
The glockness monster
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Super Hand Dog Face
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair