may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
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Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I want this so bad
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product