I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
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Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow