Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
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*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
This took me a second..
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.