A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
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[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
the red hot silly peppers
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat