FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
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Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Godspeed, John Glenn
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes