My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
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follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.