Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
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After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
barbara was highly relatable
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex