I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
You Might Also Like
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Lassie, get help!
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?