[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
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Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Alexa: *deep breath*
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.