You Might Also Like
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.