I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
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Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
i think we should see other cousins
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?