Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
You Might Also Like
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I need to update my racial profile.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.