If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
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The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
He wanted to make sure😂
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses