me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
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He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Mad Max Arctic Road
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.