me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
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I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Friends that check up on you >
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
This anagram machine is out of order.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again