[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
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My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”