[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
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looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.