And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
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if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Flock of bats
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party