[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
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(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
me when i see my girls butt
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.