Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
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When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Seek kebab; not attention
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
One of the best
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.