Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
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No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.