I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
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If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Room with a view.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
They did not think through this water fountain
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Sharon, call the vet
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Self-cleaning conscience
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.