I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
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I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Godspeed, John Glenn
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I had to Stop for this
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”