Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
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Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.