[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
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My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Well, this explains it:
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?