I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
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Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children