sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
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Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.