My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
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*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
At least he brought enough for everyone
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Proctology is located in A55
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”