H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
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You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl