*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
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Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Today’s Times
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
english majors be like furthermore
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?