Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
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Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.