I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
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[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
#milo
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
What the hell happened here.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.