Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
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My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
As the Lord intended
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?