Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
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My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious