Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
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Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.