Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
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I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*