My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
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“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?