I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
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I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.