I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
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BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
me hooking up with my ex
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.