All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
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Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Storm Tropical Storm
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
i- i did not expect this
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.