[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
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They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.