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The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Meeeee too!
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.