I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
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gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I want to meet the individual who made this
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
me after drinking all the wine:
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Mountain Goat : )
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?