Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
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I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea: