Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
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If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
My boss called in sick of me
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.