“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
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Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
$3 #books
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.